Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson Needs Astronomical Rebranding

(Neil deGrasse Tyson meets with his agent to discuss business.)              

Gus: Neil, The man of the hour! Listen, I have to be honest, I’m a little worried about your career. I’m thinking it’s time to rebrand. (Sniffles)

Neil deGrasse Tyson: But, we’re doing great. I love my work at Hayden Planetarium. My new book is selling well. I’m still booking guest spots…

Gus: Being your friendly neighborhood astrophysicist can only take you so far. I’m gonna be bringing the big guns for this project. I’m talking stylist, publicist, psychic, the whole nine yards.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You know that phrase was originally the whole ball of wax. Isn’t that interesting?

Gus: No. Only you would find that interesting, Neil. Another thing, you’re gonna need an entourage.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Entourage? Who am I? Saturn? I don’t even know that many people.

Gus: An entourage gives you instagram-cred. You can triple you social media exposure when your crew post photos with you on their social media.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Gus, I have no interest in any of this.

Gus: Are you opposed to self-improvement?

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No, but I rather spend my time testing theories and teaching.

Gus: That’s hella boring! We need you to start trending more. (Sniffle) What if you tweet that you now believe the Earth is flat. Hear me out. We can spin it by later saying you were joking or we can blame it on the effects of faulty Eclipse glasses. (Sniffles)

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Are you coked out?

Gus: Hey, I don’t judge you when you’re all spaced out? Do I?

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Gus, you are fired!

Gus: Neil, you know I’m right. You need an edge, like Bill Nye. He sued Disney and now he’s trending like crazy, for a scientist. You need to create an angle in order to get more followers which in turn will give you more exposure, which in turn will eventually translate to more revenue, which ultimately means more commission for me.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Goodbye.

Gus: Scratch that. I’ve pulled some strings and I’m pretty sure I can have a planet named after you?

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Damn! Having an exoplanet named after me is freaking cool.

Gus: Think bigger! How does “Tyson” sound instead of the hella stupid “Jupiter”? I talked to NASA and they are pretty excited about making the name change. “Tyson” is testing well with focus groups.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I’m flabbergasted. How is this even possible?

Gus: NASA had a major budget cut so they had to get creative. It’s not the first time they sell name rights. Mercury got a planet and those cars sucked. Even Venus has one and they’re lady-razors! What’s next? A Super Bowl commercial?

Neil deGrasse Tyson: That doesn’t make any sense. Gus, please lose my number.

(Neil leaves consumed by anguish and disbelief. Gus’ new client arrives.)

Gus: Mike Tyson, The man of the hour! Listen, how do you like Jupiter?

(originally written 08/2017)
Photo courtesy of: https://pixabay.com/photos/neil-degrasse-tyson-scientist-2147867/