Black Widow Spider Feels Self-Conscious About Eating Her Mate in Public

In an interview for Arachnid Cam, Lincoln Park Zoo's newest star, Black Widow Lorena revealed that she has not been able to mate and consequently eat since she signed up for the show. “My friends recommended it. They’ll feed you, they said. No more building your own house. They’ll pay you just to hang out. It’ll be like back in the olden days, they all said.”   

Lorena admitted that she had reservations but eventually caved in to peer-pressure, a web of falsehoods and the mirage of fame. “Creepy humans come and go all day long pointing and staring. There are cameras everywhere filming everything. It’s really uncomfortable.” Lorena’s sex drive has decreased significantly since her debut. She used to go through a partner a week before her big break. It has been three weeks since she arrived and she has had no desire to touch John Wayne, her arranged mate.

“I don’t know if I should feel relieved or insulted. Am I that undesirable that I can’t even aid in basic survival?” John Wayne cried off camera. Producers agree that Lorena has been a huge disappointment and they will not be renewing her contract for the following season. Lorena was initially brought in for her long legs and exotic lateral eyes. Sources reveal that the zoo reality industry is on the decline since losing Harambe in a tragic loss of revenue accident. Lorena is just the latest casualty of this dying industry.